Shaun versus Animals

Although there is no official postmark or notary public to confirm this, I can assure you that this piece of original Crayon Art, and concept in general, were conceived before this blog's creators caught the Hunger Games fever.  That is not to say that the riveting series had no part in inspiring us to finally post this.  That would be a lie. 

"Shaun versus Animals" is intended to be a recurring post in which we address an age old question:  what animals could Shaun take on in a "fight to the death" situation?  20 geese?  6 woodchucks?  1 emu?

Today's match:

The breakdown:

Shaun:  "Although my firearms are useless in this situation, I have one clear advantage - bee dies after they sting.  I'd remove that classy purple sweater and use it to protect my million dollar face.  Let the bees work my midsection.  Judging by the size of the hive, I think I can withstand enough stings that the bees will eventually just die off.  Remember, these are bees, not Tracker Jackers.  Though swollen up and red like Mario Batali, I will emerge victorious, and live to fight more of nature's majestic creatures. 
Winner:  Shaun.

Colleen:  "Thinking he finally had finally stumbled into the perfect opportunity to put his sharp-shooter training into practice, Shaun assumed he would easily be able to pick off the majority of the suddenly swarming, obviously angry bees.  He managed to snipe a few of the insects, but it became quickly clear that he would have to employ another strategy if he wanted to make it out alive.  With each sting, Shaun grew more inflamed and more disheartened.  In a last grasp for survival, Shaun pushed aside the grim visions of My Girl reeling through his brain and remembered a nearby pond.  If he could just outrun the beasts and make it to the safety of the water, he knew could outlast the swarm.  Swollen, half-mad from the stings, and growing increasingly frantic, he took off for the water.  Not that easily outsmarted, the bees followed closely behind, buzzing at his heels.  Upon reaching the banks Shaun jumped into the water, elated.  He made it!  Lesser men might have become trapped in their panic, they could have been frozen with fear and succumbed to a swollen, mangled death.  Not Shaun.  Not today.  Though his face might never fully recover, Shaun will live to see another day."
Winner:  Shaun.

 

Unanimous victor: Shaun!

Shaun 1.  Animals 0.

Randos and Jobbers*

*Jobber derives it origin from wrestling, referring to the guy who always loses to make the more popular wrestlers look better.    

The jobber who waits for the elevator by standing directly in front of the doors:  As the they slide open, this simple minded simpleton acts shocked that the elevator actually contains people.  PEEEEEEEEOPLE!!!!!!!  Sorry my presence is an inconvenience for you.  Now get out of the way and let me out!

The same genius who does this in front of Metro Car doors:  The doors are clear - you can actually see the people whose exit you’re blocking.

Rando Asian lady with umbrella… when it’s clear and sunny outside:  Just saying, if a white guy did this, you’d freak out and activate the Bat Signal.

Questionably blind persons:  I know that there are varying degrees of visual impairments, but I definitely saw a guy with a white “blind cane” standing on a corner checking his iPhone.  Got any good e-brailles there?

Super sweaty guy:  Often this is me.  Suit + temperatures above 70 + any physical exertion = splotchy-town.  Undershirts are powerless and often exacerbate the situation. 

Non-sweating hipster:  My polar opposite and sworn nemesis.  100 degree day, 200% humidity - This non-conforming non-conformist rides around on his fixie, sporting super skinny jeans, ironic beard, and a flannel shirt, yet mysteriously remains drier than British humour.

Blelvis:  Black Elvis.  DC semi-celebrity who knows the words to every song ever sung by Elvis Presley.  Can be spotted in the late night hours, typically on the U-Street or 14^th Street corridors.  Give him any letter, and he’ll sing you an Elvis song that begins with it.  Amazing!

Blelvis

Blelvis Impersonator:  Do not be fooled.  He sticks to the obvious Elvis songs. Throw him a request for “Queenie Wahine's Papaya” and watch him back down faster than a Frenchman in a fistfight.   

Not Blelvis

MRGB (aka Mr. GB):  Man riding girl’s bike.  “Hey dude, nice pink basket and handlebar streamers.”  I’m sure there’s a perfectly legal explanation for this.

Jumbo Slice Drunk Girl:  After a handful of drinks, this pint sized wonder wolfs pieces of pizza larger than her mini skirt.  47% chance they stay down.        

Jukebox Jokester:  This character takes a certain sick pleasure in playing songs that have no place in a bar, often looping them several times in a row.  The fourth run of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” is sure to empty even the trendiest bar on a Saturday night.
Trend alert:  "Ni**as In Paris-ing" a bar.  10 times in a row is appropriate.  

The Foot Racers:  Perched eagerly 2 feet off the curb, eyes fixed on the perpendicular traffic light, they are ready to leap across the street at the first hint of yellow.  Their unwarranted haste makes life hell for city drivers, especially those trying to turn right without bloodying up the front bumper.