Shaulleen Gets Political

A Bar Chart on Bars

The FACE!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Shaulleen got a taste of Americana this weekend, spending Friday night at Nationals Park!  The night was warmish, the aroma of hot dogs was in the air, and the Nats pulled off a 2-1, 13th inning WIN (that we did not see because we left at the end of the 12th....)!  Many thanks go to Erica, who scored the awesome last minute tickets, and who is pretty rad, all around.     

Pictured:  Ryan Zimmerman, the Face of the Franchise (sinister mustache added in artist's rendering).  Word is that he loves it when he comes up to bat and hears the crowd chanting, "FACE!  FACE!  FACE!"  So make sure to shout it loud and shout it proud.  With little to no knowledge of the game, I can say with 100% certainty that this is going to be a HUGE season for the Face & the rest of the Washington Nationals -- LET'S GO NATS! 

Comments! Make them!

See?  Commenting is fun.  Look how easily I got the author of a Washington Post article to get all snarky with me. Luckily, manatt was there to back me up.  Thank you, kind stranger.  Bonnie B, you need to adjust your attitude.

But I digress.  Apparently people are reading this blog (we're huuuuuge in Russia), and we'd like to know what you think. Express yourself.  Like an article?  Let us know.  Take umbrage at something?  Fight back!  Litter the comments box with racial epithets.  Don't like my hair?  WELL KEEP IT TO YOUR GOD DAMNED SELF!  There's just some things we don't talk about.  

So go ahead, click on "Comments".  We bet you have all sorts of interesting things to say.

Also, keeping with the newly adopted Running theme of this blog, I ran 2 miles yesterday!  On a treadmill!  By mile 1.3, I started to tire, but the unique soulful blues rock stylings of the Black Keys helped me power through it.  This was my first run in almost 2 months and it felt great to get back on the human conveyer belt.  

Next week's goal: Pi Run (3.14159265 miles).

Lace up!  Run on! 

BOOMSHAKALAKA!!

This little gem was inspired by our 2nd favorite* competitor from the much overlooked Food Network reality show Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off.  Coolio's unconventional cooking methods may have rendered professional chefs speechless, but it was his equally as unconventional catch-phrases & headwear that won over American hearts. 

If you didn't catch the first season (it's to be assumed that at least 5 more will follow), here's what you missed:

• "OMG.  Did he just use corn starch?"  RE: Coolio's unconventional methods. 
• Taylor Dayne's existence.  Apparently she has had eighteen individual hit songs reach the top ten in Billboard magazine.  Where was I?  Oh yeah... a fetus.
• Joey Fatone - still relevant.
• What we can only assume are custom made, pre-holed hats (to maintain the integrity of Coolio's signature 'do).
• Guy Fieri's unrequited love of bowling shirts and gratuitous hand gestures everything.   
• Summer Sanders' arms.  Wasn't she the villain from Over the Top? 

*We're team Lou Diamond Phillips, aka LDP, aka La Bamba, aka one of the Young Guns (who's not a Sheen).  You could even say that we are LDP's #1 fans.  You could say that, but you'd be WRONG!  LDP's #1 fan remains LDP himself.

Spoiler Alert:  LDP crushed the competition.  Not even Aaron Carter could compete with LDP's culinary (pronounced Q-linary) arsenal.   

Turbo Ribs!

Easter: WTF?

Easter f*cking freaks me out.


I want it to be known that I am not taking a stand against the bastardization of holidays in general.  Come December, I love stringing lights on any/everything, slapping a Coca-cola Classic in Santa's hand, and demanding gifts from my loved ones under the pretense of celebrating Jesus' birth just as much as the next modern American.  An ardent fan of civil rights, Martin Luther King, Jr Day is my favorite day to remember to judge people not by the color of their skin, but by who they are dating and how much money they make.  And along with than that celebration of equality, it means I get a Monday off of work in January, which is awesome because long weekends are the best.  I admire Thomas Jefferson not simply because he played such a major role in America's independence from the Brits, but because he had the foresight to initiate the coup in early July, thereby ensuring poolside BBQs and firework-laden rooftop celebrations for centuries to come.  (Imagine the 4th of July falling in February.  The vibe would be completely different, and America would be lesser for it.) 

I think all of these arbitrary traditions are wonderful.  Most of them have nothing to do with their origins at all and it's completely fine!  (Largely because they result in a federally observed day off, which is the true mark of a good holiday, in my book.)

Friends, Easter is an exception to this.  Not only does Easter NOT warrant a government mandated day off of work, it celebrates a man's horrific murder, his zombification (not a word, just go with it), and in more recent years has come to be represented by a giant, egg-laying rabbit.  Despite the pretty pastel M&M's and the trying-to-look-lovable bunny, in no way is this a family-friendly holiday. 

A devout* Catholic, I am aware that Jesus' death upon the cross and subsequent resurrection form the entire foundation of the Christian faith.  I'm not going to disqualify that storyline or make statements for or against anyone's beliefs.  I AM going to say that Easter is celebrating a zombie.  It is science-fact** that a zombie is "an animated corpse, brought back to life by mystical means."  I quote the Apostle's Creed, a prayer every Catholic schoolgirl/boy knows backwards and forwards by the 7th month of gestation:

[He] was crucified, died, and was buried;

he descended to the dead.

On the third day he rose again;

Etc.  The prayer goes on to talk about Jesus taking a seat next to his pops and the reciters go on to pledge their faith to the church.  It's lovely.  It is also clearly advocating zombie worship.  If that well-known prayer doesn't outline the recipe for becoming a zombie, then I don't know what does.  I know zombies have not always been the pop-culture fixture they are today, so I'll admit that the original authors of this credo probably didn't have a face-off at Herschel's farm and Shane's post-stabbing zombie resurrection*** in mind when they wrote it.  But it is clearly stated that Jesus was dead for three days and then rose, re-animated, and hungry for brains.  (The bit about brains didn't make it into the prayer, despite what I can only assume was a heated debate among the apostles.)  That is well and good, sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I'm not kneeling down in front of Zombie Jesus anytime soon.  I like my brain inside my head, thank you very much.    

Looking beyond the religious meaning of Easter, we come to the rabbit.  Nearly everyone in my age demographic has seen the romantic comedy/action-adventure hit, The Princess Bride.  It's a movie that has something for everyone -- a love story, sword fighting, vengeance, and Billy Crystal.  It's awesome.  One of the many memorable scenes in the film is when the hero, Westley, is leading his love, Buttercup, through the dangerous Fire Swamp and they encounter the Rodents of Unusual Size.  They are rats the size of large dogs; vicious creatures that dwell in the swamps and wait for passers-by to lunch upon.  They are terrifying.  And they are a quarter the size of the Easter Bunny!  I don't care if he wears a bow-tie and a vest and doles out candy to youngsters (which we would all consider a predatory move if he were doing so from the comfort of his van, by the way.)  This thing has teeth bigger than my iPhone and would be able to out-run, out-jump, and easily murder any human living today.  I appreciate proper grooming and dapper dress (and candy) as much as the next girl, but that giant rabbit has a glint of blood lust in his eye that I just can't get past. 

Also, not to be one of those annoying, "well, technically...." people, but facts are facts and rabbits don't lay eggs.  How and why this bespectacled beast came to be handing out candy-filled eggs is something I don't even want to understand.  The only mammal I condone laying eggs is the duck-billed platypus, and that's mostly because that thing has so much going on that WHY NOT?  Maybe if Easter was represented by a monocled platypus I would be more inclined to support the holiday.  (Can we make some kind of push for that??)

You all can celebrate the rise of Zombie Jesus and take your kids to sit on the lap of the freakish Easter Bunny and swathe yourselves in spring-toned casual wear all you want, but until Easter gives me a day off work and the pope starts funding zombie rehabilitation programs, my loyalties lie with tiny, baby Christmas Jesus and the fat, jolly dude that brings me gifts every year.  & MLK, Jr., that guy seemed pretty cool.   




Cuddle up, kiddies.



 
*I'm not religious (sorry, Grandma)  <---- Just kidding, there's no chance my grandma is reading this.

**If it's on the Internet, it must be true.

***The Walking Dead is awesome and I recommend you watch it.  

Cherry Blossom 10 Miler

Check it out folks.  Despite a severe quadriceps contusion, and repeating warnings by my doctor not to run, I completed the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler!  In your face, medical science!

Pictures don't lie (but people do).  Just ask House.

For those who doubt, check the bib numbers.  They match.

So I've been thinking about changing the direction of this blog.  Sure, crudely drawn crayon art and half thought out rants garner some cheap laughs, but is that really what the public wants?  We can offer so much more.  From this moment on, http://1407burnbook.blogspot.com/ will be a runner's blog.  Each week, look forward to entertaining yarns on how far I've run, where I've run, and why I run (fear of commitment), along with tips for aspiring runners.  

Tip of the week:  Mix things up a bit.  Instead of the typical right, left, right, left, try left, right, left, right.  

Next week's topics:

- Shoes?  Pros and Cons.

- Are runners better than normal  people?

- Trees.  I ran by some.

Colleen - thoughts?

Safety Tidbit:  Don't text while running!  It will lead to disastrous falls over roots/loose bricks in the sidewalk/your shadow.   If you have to text while on the go, get behind the wheel of a car or something, but for the love of all that is holy DON'T TEXT WHILE YOU RUN. 

Also, RE: the upcoming topic, "Shoes" -- the guy I went on a date with last night was wearing Vibrams.  On our date. 

Was I supposed to publish that last part?  Oh well.    

I just saved you save you two syllables.

  
You're welcome.