Easter: WTF?

Easter f*cking freaks me out.


I want it to be known that I am not taking a stand against the bastardization of holidays in general.  Come December, I love stringing lights on any/everything, slapping a Coca-cola Classic in Santa's hand, and demanding gifts from my loved ones under the pretense of celebrating Jesus' birth just as much as the next modern American.  An ardent fan of civil rights, Martin Luther King, Jr Day is my favorite day to remember to judge people not by the color of their skin, but by who they are dating and how much money they make.  And along with than that celebration of equality, it means I get a Monday off of work in January, which is awesome because long weekends are the best.  I admire Thomas Jefferson not simply because he played such a major role in America's independence from the Brits, but because he had the foresight to initiate the coup in early July, thereby ensuring poolside BBQs and firework-laden rooftop celebrations for centuries to come.  (Imagine the 4th of July falling in February.  The vibe would be completely different, and America would be lesser for it.) 

I think all of these arbitrary traditions are wonderful.  Most of them have nothing to do with their origins at all and it's completely fine!  (Largely because they result in a federally observed day off, which is the true mark of a good holiday, in my book.)

Friends, Easter is an exception to this.  Not only does Easter NOT warrant a government mandated day off of work, it celebrates a man's horrific murder, his zombification (not a word, just go with it), and in more recent years has come to be represented by a giant, egg-laying rabbit.  Despite the pretty pastel M&M's and the trying-to-look-lovable bunny, in no way is this a family-friendly holiday. 

A devout* Catholic, I am aware that Jesus' death upon the cross and subsequent resurrection form the entire foundation of the Christian faith.  I'm not going to disqualify that storyline or make statements for or against anyone's beliefs.  I AM going to say that Easter is celebrating a zombie.  It is science-fact** that a zombie is "an animated corpse, brought back to life by mystical means."  I quote the Apostle's Creed, a prayer every Catholic schoolgirl/boy knows backwards and forwards by the 7th month of gestation:

[He] was crucified, died, and was buried;

he descended to the dead.

On the third day he rose again;

Etc.  The prayer goes on to talk about Jesus taking a seat next to his pops and the reciters go on to pledge their faith to the church.  It's lovely.  It is also clearly advocating zombie worship.  If that well-known prayer doesn't outline the recipe for becoming a zombie, then I don't know what does.  I know zombies have not always been the pop-culture fixture they are today, so I'll admit that the original authors of this credo probably didn't have a face-off at Herschel's farm and Shane's post-stabbing zombie resurrection*** in mind when they wrote it.  But it is clearly stated that Jesus was dead for three days and then rose, re-animated, and hungry for brains.  (The bit about brains didn't make it into the prayer, despite what I can only assume was a heated debate among the apostles.)  That is well and good, sometimes bad things happen to good people, but I'm not kneeling down in front of Zombie Jesus anytime soon.  I like my brain inside my head, thank you very much.    

Looking beyond the religious meaning of Easter, we come to the rabbit.  Nearly everyone in my age demographic has seen the romantic comedy/action-adventure hit, The Princess Bride.  It's a movie that has something for everyone -- a love story, sword fighting, vengeance, and Billy Crystal.  It's awesome.  One of the many memorable scenes in the film is when the hero, Westley, is leading his love, Buttercup, through the dangerous Fire Swamp and they encounter the Rodents of Unusual Size.  They are rats the size of large dogs; vicious creatures that dwell in the swamps and wait for passers-by to lunch upon.  They are terrifying.  And they are a quarter the size of the Easter Bunny!  I don't care if he wears a bow-tie and a vest and doles out candy to youngsters (which we would all consider a predatory move if he were doing so from the comfort of his van, by the way.)  This thing has teeth bigger than my iPhone and would be able to out-run, out-jump, and easily murder any human living today.  I appreciate proper grooming and dapper dress (and candy) as much as the next girl, but that giant rabbit has a glint of blood lust in his eye that I just can't get past. 

Also, not to be one of those annoying, "well, technically...." people, but facts are facts and rabbits don't lay eggs.  How and why this bespectacled beast came to be handing out candy-filled eggs is something I don't even want to understand.  The only mammal I condone laying eggs is the duck-billed platypus, and that's mostly because that thing has so much going on that WHY NOT?  Maybe if Easter was represented by a monocled platypus I would be more inclined to support the holiday.  (Can we make some kind of push for that??)

You all can celebrate the rise of Zombie Jesus and take your kids to sit on the lap of the freakish Easter Bunny and swathe yourselves in spring-toned casual wear all you want, but until Easter gives me a day off work and the pope starts funding zombie rehabilitation programs, my loyalties lie with tiny, baby Christmas Jesus and the fat, jolly dude that brings me gifts every year.  & MLK, Jr., that guy seemed pretty cool.   




Cuddle up, kiddies.



 
*I'm not religious (sorry, Grandma)  <---- Just kidding, there's no chance my grandma is reading this.

**If it's on the Internet, it must be true.

***The Walking Dead is awesome and I recommend you watch it.